On how contemporary society confuses freedom with the erosion of social grace
One cannot help but reflect on the disappearance of civility—and the growing confusion between elegance, manners and the myth of democratisation.
Good manners have always included dressing appropriately for place and occasion. And yet, when this topic is brought up, the response is often a critique in the name of democratisation. Today, this notion is increasingly dismissed as antiquated—even oppressive. The lack of manners, a progressive loosening of behavioural codes—from workplaces to weddings—is justified by a mistaken sense of freedom and equality. As though getting rid of rules were an act of liberation, rather than a weakening of our shared social fabric.
Civility, like elegance, has nothing to do with wealth.
Manners and elegance vs wealth
This speaks to our era’s fundamental confusion: mistaking freedom for negligence, and democracy for the flattening of all nuance. Manners—which also encompass knowing how to dress appropriately for context—are a form of respect, both towards oneself and others. They require no luxury, only intention. In fact, they constitute a silent language that communicates attentiveness, awareness, and social sensitivity. They have nothing to do with material wealth but with an inner richness: the ability to inhabit the world with grace.
Yet today, any code or standard is met with suspicion — as if it were elitist or exclusionary. The well-intentioned push for inclusivity has paradoxically normalised indifference. Sloppiness wears the mask of authenticity; carelessness postures as rebellion, as though these were symbols of liberation or progress. We’ve forgotten that true democratisation isn’t “no rules,” but rather ensuring that everyone has access to the tools to make conscious choices.
Good manners or elegance are not the privilege of a few, nor are they tied to wealth. They are the heritage of those who choose to cultivate them—and this applies equally to how we dress.
The world is full of billionaires having no trace of elegance. That is precisely the point: they are values, not commodities. Yet in an era where everything is often measured in economic terms, we lose sight of all that which cannot be bought — and which, paradoxically, is worth far more than anything that can be.
Social conventions—including dress codes—are not cages, but cultural coordinates that enable a more harmonious coexistence. Abandoning them in the name of authenticity or unfiltered spontaneity often means relinquishing that subtle fabric of mutual respect which holds social life together.
Final thoughts
True democracy does not abolish civility—it makes it accessible to all. Ultimately, good manners and elegance are nothing more than expressions of attentiveness, empathy, and care. Values that have nothing to do with social class, and everything to do with human quality.
When talking about the disappearance of civility, Pier Paolo Pasolini once said:
“Vulgarity is the peak expression of conformism.”
His words remind us that when the dismantling of standards is mistaken for progress, we risk replacing genuine freedom with a shallow performance of it. What we lose is not just formality, but a culture rooted in meaning—where care, elegance, and attention weren’t elitist gestures, but signs of respect.
In their place, we inherit a performative casualness. Indifference now parades as authenticity.